@MrsTomServo: Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.
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@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
@audipenny: Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles