Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Story of my life…..
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone