Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.