[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Cause of death: Zumba
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.