*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.