*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“You want me to do what?!”馃ぃ
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I鈥檝e just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn鈥檛 be bothered.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today