[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.