[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell