[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
You Might Also Like
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.