My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
You Might Also Like
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.