barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*has no idea what a book even is*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them