Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
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Sticker placement is key.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.