She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
You Might Also Like
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.