My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom