Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST