Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese