Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
This sounds bad:
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.