[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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Ghost costume 😂
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I am a gravy boat captain
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.