My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
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One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was