“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*