“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”