barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur