barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.