Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
jesus christ confetti not now
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
what
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em