Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Nose
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.