Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.