Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
When you let grandma cat sit
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people