*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?