[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
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you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?