[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
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Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.