[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
? 💀
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.