[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.