barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Based Erika
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday