barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You Might Also Like
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.