@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@Heldinchains: The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate. I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that's iffy

@badbanana: North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there's someone for every un.

@MattElGato: The first rule of fight club is don't hit hard I'm very sensitive

@dragonsorbet: Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body