Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.