Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
this is the best interaction on twitter
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
She was REALLY feeling it.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!