Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.