[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Tough love is true love
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.