@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
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@HoneyWooWoo: *at party* Guy: Want to dance? Me: I'm sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
@TheMichaelRock: The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%. - Me explaining to my son why he can't have a sister.