@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
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@WiseguyPictures: Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
@LuckoftheDraw86: Me: hey what's this weird lump? WebMD: could be cancer. Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow... WebMD: you have two weeks.
@P_Liesenhoff: US customs officer during passport check at airport: You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport?? Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different! Him: What’s the difference? Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East. Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??