@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
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@TheRolo: I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit "ignore caller" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
@BruceForce: My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
@juliussharpe: Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you're getting ready to take hostages.
@welltbh: why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked