them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣