@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
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@iamspacegirl: friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you'd stick to the registry. me *crestfallen*: you don't like the jukebox of screams?
@comer310: Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs* Friend: Bad breakup? Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.
@Matty_Softmitts: I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."
@collinwithtwoLs: *good cop/bad cop interrogation* *good cop is nice to the suspect* *bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free* man he's a bad cop