@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
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@trumpetcake: ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE'S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
@dafloydsta: ME: Hey they're playing our song. HER: This isn't our song. ME: [turning up "Go Your Own Way"] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
@GoldenSpirals: The greatest trick the devil ever played was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.