*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
synchronized noseblowing
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat