Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
my sentiments exactly
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?