It’s been a terrible year for burglars
You Might Also Like
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
This hospital has everything
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
She: I like Cats
He:
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard