[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.