[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Rich people don’t understand cereal
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable