@Just_Lee_: The neighbor's dog has barked non stop for three hours. And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.

@bridger_w: The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

@sixthformpoet: I'm a man trapped outside a woman's body.

@caliluvgirl77: [crime scene] *detective snaps pics of murder victim* Corpse: delete it

@Thynebear: I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people's hands you've shook that didn't wash them after they used the bathroom.