Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.