@TheToddWilliams: [Eating ribs at BBQ Joint] "Would you like a Wet-Nap?" No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@cervixsmash: If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

@Marlebean: Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we'd still marry each other? {turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

@greenteam15: Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry