Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today