@heartlessX0: Bartender: "Do you want a drink, miss?"nnMe: "What are my choices?"nnBartender: "Yes or No."
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@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
@DaddyJew: Boss:my office, now! Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter B:we've had a sexual harassment complaint M:Oh thank God!
@OhHellsYes: I need a car. Hiding in people's trunks and hoping they're going to Wal-Mart isn't working out for me.