Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me