Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.