BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I鈥檓 funny, and now I鈥檓 sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…馃槴馃槴馃槴
Dogs are too pure for this world 馃ズ馃ズ
#goldenretriever #dogs
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I鈥檓 out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she鈥檚 announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.